Have you been experiencing sudden mood swings, eye-rolls and sudden outbursts only to be told repeatedly that you know nothing- even though you’ve been around for decades? Looks like you have a tween on your hands (usually around 9 – 12 years old). Tweens no longer laugh at what they used to. Their tastes change. Parenting strategies that may have worked earlier no longer seem to work as well.

 

Parenting tweens is certainly no easy task. Each new change is a reminder our beloved babies are growing fast, and sometimes we just want to cling on to that little bit of adolescents in them, but should we?

 

Going through this new phase in life is all part of your child’s individualization process. It can be painful for all parties involved, but it’s a necessary step towards adulthood. 

 

Okay, we understand that saying that it’s normal won’t make it easier, but what we can do is identify a few common parenting mistakes that unwittingly worsen the process so we know how to handle it when it comes our way.

 

Let’s go through the 5 pitfalls that you can avoid for your tween or teen.

 

#1 – Still Controlling Them Too Much

 

Yes, we know it can be terrifying to let go, but when we “clamp” them down too much, this is where a lot of power struggles come up. Instead of tightening your grip, look for opportunities to give your child more responsibilities and let them practice their decision making skills.

 

What you can do is:

• Let your child decide what activities they want to do after school.
• Let them pick which dinner they would like to help you cook each week.
• Ask them how or when they would like to complete their homework each evening.

 

With a little more control over their life, your tween or teen will thrive–and you’ll love seeing their confidence and independence grow.

 

Empowering our children with age-appropriate choices, will give them a strong sense of confidence.

 

 

#2 – Too Much Nagging & Directing

 

I think most of us are guilty of this- why? Because if we don’t nag, direct and shout nothing will get done kan?

 

Guilty as charged! 🙋🏻‍♀️

 

What we need to understand is that – parents’ priorities are not the same for tweens or teens. While we’re concerned about messy rooms, dirty laundry everywhere and unwashed dishes, our teens priority might be their exam coming up next week, or posting on Instagram on time to get more likes from their friends.

 

So how do we go about this?

 

Well, if we want our kids to respect us, we need to respect them as well.

 

If we want our kids to respect us, we need to respect them as well.

 

Instead of using an angry voice of “WHY HAVEN’T YOU DONE (X)?”  Try phrases like “what’s your plan for completing (x)?” in a calm voice – and that facial expression… Control sikit yerr🙊

 

When you say “what’s your plan for completing (x)”, it demonstrates your faith that they already have a plan in place. And even if they don’t, they can quickly save face and come up with a game plan on the spot.😉

 

Also, don’t forget to show appreciation when your tween/teen helps out–even if it’s for an “expected” job. Everyone wants to know they make a difference, and showing gratitude will go a long way in building up the team spirit in your family.

 

 

#3 – Not Maintaining a Connection

 

Okay, so yes- we need to allow our child more independence, but janganla until there’s no connection at all, they still need our guidance during this transition of childhood to adulthood.

 

Even if it feels like your kids are pushing you away and the backtalk may be unbearable, or their attitude hurtful, make sure your presence and availability is known and don’t completely retreat.

 

Technology can also be a great avenue for bonding with your kids too- tag them on a funny meme, or send them a text of encouragement, just be aware of the negative effects of gadgets as well. Everything in moderation okay? 

 

Even if it’s just 10-15 minutes of undivided time between you and your child each day, this togetherness will do wonders for your connection with each other.

 

 

#4 – Being Afraid of Failure

 

Did you know that in the 2019 National Health and Morbidity Survey findings, it was revealed that 424,000 children in Malaysia had mental health problems?

 

Expectations and school standards have only risen in recent years and this could be taking a toll on your tween or teen. Tambah lagi with the on and off Movement Control Order (MCO) over the past 2 years, this could be a stressful time for both parents and children alike.

 

Sure, we’d like our children to succeed and rescue them from their struggles or masuk campur with their teachers or coaches, but sometimes we need to loosen the reins and have faith in our child’s abilities. Let them learn to succeed on their own and also allow them to fail.

 

Let them learn to succeed on their own and also allow them to fail.

 

Let’s say if your child failed a test, let them understand that even though a bad grade isn’t ideal, the world isn’t going to end and they can do better next time. Try to focus on creating a safe space between you and your child where failure can be embraced, reflected, and surpassed.

 

 

#5- Taking Things Personally

 

When our tweens and teens feel distant, short-tempered, uncommunicative, or just different, we tend to take it personally, but we shouldn’t!

 

At this age, kids are usually prioritising their friends and the struggles of growing up. Mix it up with stress and hormones, things can really get heated and they might hurt your feelings- but most times it’s not about you.

 

Always try to put yourself in their shoes and try to see things from their perspective. By remembering that it’s not always about us, we can adapt our feelings, expectations, and strategies to focus on what our children actually need.