Couples need to do some renegotiating when looking to resume their physical relationship.
The most intriguing thing happens when you first fall pregnant. You will receive secret smiles from your friends along with the whispered words – “Just wait until the second trimester!”
Intrigued yet? Apparently, when you get to the second trimester, your hormones all kick in and you become completely obsessed with sex. Absolutely mad for it, they reckon. Apparently, you cannot stop thinking about it and you just want to do it all day long. Your husbands can now stare at you and say “Now you know what it feels like to be a guy.” When the second trimester rolls around, you just might be a textbook case. With your body blooming, you will be a 100 per cent pure woman. Your hubby will hardly have time to put down his briefcase as you will be chasing him around the house.
But when the baby comes, sex may be the last thing on your mind. For a start, your body changes after delivery. Sex may burn. Plus, you will have a very demanding baby who will seem to believe that sleep is for the weak. With your lower half looking the way it is, sex would seem out of the question. When he asks ‘How about it?’ you would probably want to punch him in the face.
A New Identity
There needs to be some renegotiating when the baby comes along. When it is the first baby, the couple is totally disturbed for the first time in their relationship. It is the woman who gets pregnant and has a baby growing inside her. The woman goes through the process of labour and delivery, and she is the one with the breasts. Often the father/lover/husband finds himself a bit askew, wondering where he fits into the triangle.
The most important thing is flexibility in the relationship, and this includes sex. There is a general notion that women should wait six weeks after delivery before attempting intercourse again. For many mums, battling screaming babies, flabby bellies, leaky breasts, the confusion of motherhood and a completely new identity as a non-sexual being, six months might seem more realistic.
But for others, the urge might return quite quickly. If that happens it is advised to get a check-up first and ask your obstetrician. If the stitches have dissolved and you feel like you are ready, you can just use lubricant.
The Healing Process
In the case of a straightforward delivery, there should not be any damage to the body other than a change in pelvic floor strength, and the sheer exhaustion of pushing out a baby. The cervix is closed two weeks after the birth. A Caesar means more mending. There is a scar on your uterus and a scar in all layers coming up to the skin that all have to heal, but at least the inside of the body is a sterile environment for healing to take place.
Medical authorities agree that a vaginal tear or episiotomy is usually healed within two to four weeks and that a Caesarean wound should take around six weeks to heal completely. Provided there are no complications, such as infection or fever, and the red bleeding has stopped, mothers should be able to resume sex any time after this period, provided they feel comfortable with the idea.
Will Sex Feel Different?
Even though you are given the green light, you and your husband may find things to be different. The baby sleeps well, but you and your husband are sleep-deprived, waking up in the middle of the night to tend to the baby. When a potential sexual opportunity comes up, with the baby sleeping and both you and your husband at home, it does not mean you would automatically fall into bed together because you have to use that baby downtime to get other things done, too. Intimate encounters may turn from being healthy and robust to something much slower and gentler. You will feel like a mum more than a woman. However, the baby can bring you closer together. You could spend weeks without sex, even though the urge might be there.
Poor Dad!
Even in a loving relationship, there can be many reasons why a mum just does not want to resume sexual intercourse after baby. Breastfeeding can lead to thinning of the skin of the vagina, which – along with a lack of lubrication – can lead to a burning sensation during sex. Stitches may have caused the vagina to tighten, making penetration uncomfortable.
When a woman associates sex with pain, she is already exhausted from a lack of sleep (not to mention that her breasts are shooting milk at the first sign of stimulation), sex can become a no-go zone. So what happens to hubby?
With all the mother-baby attention, the father will want to reconnect with his wife and sex represents a big part of the intimacy of a relationship. So a new dad is likely to want to make love to show his wife he still cares, while she might prefer he shows his respect by keeping his hands off. The solution is not intercourse, but ‘outercourse.’
Sex does not have to be about penetration. This is where the flexibility in the relationship comes it. Cuddle each other and touch each other. It is possible to bring each other to climax through touch or oral sex and both partners will still feel satisfied and reconnected.
When Will I Need Contraception?
Even while breastfeeding it is still possible to release an egg and fall pregnant two or three weeks after the baby is born. A low-dose progesterone pill is safe while breastfeeding. If you prefer an IUD, your obstetrician can assess your suitability at your six-week check-up. With the diaphragms, remember that your body has changed shape during childbirth, and you will need to get a new one fitted. And remember that condoms can be used at any time, just use lots and lots of lubricant.
