During the Movement Control Order (MCO), families were stuck at home 24/7. Arguments were bound to happen especially between husbands and wives.

Be it about handling the kids, trying to get office work done from home or disagreements in opinions.

Conflict is inevitable in a marriage. But it doesn’t have to be emotionally distressing or callous.

Couples can agree to disagree and, yes, argue while still showing compassion and respect for each other.

So how do we go about handling arguments with our spouse?

We reached out to Relationship Studio for some advice on some burning questions.

 

We’re stuck with each other most times, with no where to go when we’re having a heated argument, how should we handle this?

Create a personal space in the house. It can be a toilet, study room, garden, living room.

Basically a space where both parties can have personal time to be alone to breathe and self reflect.

 

If one of us storms off into a different room in a middle of an argument, what’s the wisest thing to do?

The best thing to do is to allow space to cool down and talk about the issue within an agreed period of time.

It can be 15min to an hour.

 

How should couples handle an argument when there are kids around?

Talk about it calmly if that’s possible. If emotions are rising, call for a break and take it offline when the kid is not around (either in another room or when they’re asleep).

 

What are your tips to handle an argument without it getting too heated?

Understand your spouse as a person

Learn more about each others character, weaknesses, fears, dreams, aspirations, both the good and the bad. Knowing them in and out, would able you to understand their strengths and flaws, so you become more naturally patient when dealing with them.

 

Manage expectations

No one is perfect. Realise that everyone have limitations and you shouldn’t impose a lot of things with your partner. Managing expectations is the key to all happiness in life.

 

Focus on the solution and not the problem

When faced with an issue or disagreement, don’t highlight what your partner did or did not do. Don’t highlight what went wrong  but focus on how to resolve it. Calmly offer suggestions and work together on it.

 

Never use blaming language

As related to number 3, it’s never a good option to play the blame game.When talking to your spouse, remove pronouns like “you, someone, he, she” from your sentences, instead approach it in a neutral angle. For example, it’s better to say “Oh. What happened?” instead of saying “What did you do?”. Always approach a problem with “us vs problem” mentality not “you vs me”.

 

Take a break
When the talking doesn’t seem to go anywhere, and the impatience kicks in, it’s best to take a breather. For some people, this means breathing or counting to 100 before saying anything. Or taking a walk around the block before responding to your spouse. But remember to communicate to your spouse that you needed to take a break as they might take it as an avoidance.

 

I’ve tried reasoning with my husband, but he wouldn’t listen. What should I do?

Change the way you reason, moving from content level to uncover the underlying values behind his opinion.

Understand why he feels the way he feels and what’s the deep seated value which he values. Eg: We should cane the kid vs we should not use cane on the kid.

If the argument is on “why caning is good / bad”, then it’s not an effective argument.

It’s more important to uncover WHY he thinks caning is good/bad, and understand where he’s coming from.

From here, both of u can set up some rules and boundaries to use or not to use a cane.

 

How do we reason with someone (or get their point of view) if they refuse to talk it out?

Allow the other party to see that communication works wonders. Give and take, and go deep.

Communication is more than just talking. Communication also means patience to uncover, get vulnerable and come to an agreement.

When your partner bothers to communicate, give him something that he wants, so he sees that communicating is effective in getting what he wants.

 

What are some tips for couples to maintain a healthy relationship throughout these uncertain times?

Show Appreciation

Always say ‘Thank You’ even for the simplest things that your partner did for you. When we verbalise our gratitude for each other, it promotes positive energy. You can also give each other little surprises like a massage or a special homecooked meal, depending on your partner’s preferred love language.

 

Designate a space for each other

If you’re both working from home, make sure you each have enough privacy to concentrate and do your work. Just because you’re staying in the same house doesn’t mean you have to be in the same place all the time. In addition, do meaningful activities that helps you focus on yourself, whether it’s self-reflection and/or meditation. Being able to spend time alone doing your own thing is a key ingredient to a healthy relationship.

 

Talk about feelings

Ask them about their day and how they are feeling. Remember when you used to ask your partner “How’s your day?” after a day’s work? Being physically together in the same room doesn’t mean you know everything that’s going on. Communicating with your partner is essential for keeping the love alive. When asking about how their day went or how they are feeling, listen with intent and validate their feelings. Ensure that they feel heard and seen.

 

Add humour

Always inject humour and keep things light when you can. You can always find something silly to laugh about. Share memes, funny stories or tease each other to ease tension and spread positive energy.

 

Go back to basics

When tensions are rising, step back and remember the reasons why you chose to be with your partner. Discuss with each other the values that matter to both of you when tackling disagreements. Most of the time, the conflict isn’t just about the content but the underlying values.