There is concern among many parents that the current generation of children lack the same psychological strength that previous generations possessed. Some parents have talked about their fears of their children becoming “snowflakes”, of being too fragile to cope with the pressures and rigours of the real world.

As a psychologist, I am acutely aware of the need for balance when it comes to a challenging issue like this. On one hand, we should not create an extremely hostile and unsafe environment for our children, because that will stunt growth and have long-term psychological repercussions for the child. On the other hand, we do not want an overprotective environment that does not allow children the opportunities to develop strength and resilience which are necessary to cope with the realities of adult life.

The following are some suggestions for how we can develop resilience in our children.

Some Suffering Builds Resilience

One way we can overprotect our children is when we shield them from any discomfort. Many children have never experienced what it’s like to have to sleep in a room that is not air-conditioned, let alone camp outdoors. They have never felt hungry when they’ve had to miss a meal. They’ve never felt their muscles ache because they’re used to being chauffeured around town. They’ve never experienced a cut or a bruise because they’ve not been allowed to run around outdoors.

Of course, as parents, we should be responsible enough to protect our children from serious injury and any life-threatening harm. For example, we should never let our young children play unsupervised by a busy street, nor should we allow them to wander alone in a public place, lest they get kidnapped. At the same time, we cannot shield them from all harm and hurt.

Let me make myself clear here. As parents, we should not purposely bring harm or wish harm on our children. We are not sadists.

However, we are going to have to allow our children to be in situations where there are some risks that they could experience some discomfort and maybe even some minor injuries and hurt. This is part of life, it is part of growing up and it will help them develop the resilience and coping skills needed to face greater challenges in the future.

Allowing children to experience some stress, pressure and disappointment is an important part of building emotional resilience.”

Similarly, allowing children to experience some stress, pressure and disappointment is an important part of building emotional resilience. For example, it is okay for a 10-year old child to feel the pressure of having to complete their school projects on time; or for a 12-year old to experience the stress of having to prepare for a school examination; or for a 9-year old, the nervousness that comes from rehearsing for a school musical. Some stress is a good thing.

Parents’ role in these situations is not to protect or shield the child from the stressor or problem, but to coach and teach them HOW to cope with the problem as well as to encourage them and comfort them when they do fail. Resilience is a set of skills that can be learnt.

Resilience is a set of skills that can be learnt.

Making Their Own Decisions & Mistakes

If we over-protect our children by making all the decisions for them when they are growing up; from what to eat, to what to wear, who to make friends with; we cannot expect them to be able to make adult decisions later on in life. As a result, I have observed people in their 20’s and 30’s unable to make wise decisions about things like their career, their marriage, and their financial investments.

Of course, there are limits and boundaries as to what decisions we allow them to make. Still, there are many situations in which young children can be given the room to make life choices.

For example, we started teaching our daughter since she was a year and a half to decide on simple things like what bedtime story she wanted to be read to her, or what fruit she wanted to eat for dessert, or what toy she wanted to play with. From that early age, she was able to understand the phrase “choose the one you want”. If we were buying her a book or a toy we would get her to decide on one from a selection. These simple instances of decision making provide an opportunity for the child to realize that different options exist and that they need to identify what option is best for them at the time. Of course, it also teaches children that they can’t have everything in life and that they must make difficult choices at times.

The older children get, the decisions we allow them to make should grow in quantity and in importance. Kevin received a scholarship offer to pursue his studies in Singapore after his Form 3 examinations. His parents, were of course very keen for him to go but were also wary that he would be leaving his friends and school behind. They shared with him their thoughts and concerns and then left the final decision to him. It was a major decision to make for a 15-year-old boy, and Kevin spent 2 weeks weighing up the pros and cons of staying and leaving. His parents helped by suggesting what were the major issues to consider when making the decision. It was difficult but Kevin matured as a result of having to make his own decision and it certainly prepared him for even tougher decisions he will have to make in the future.

Many parents may find it difficult to trust their children to make the right decisions

Many parents may find it difficult to trust their children to make the right decisions for themselves, but we must realize that unless we gradually allow them to make more important decisions, they will never be ready for independent adulthood. Some teenagers are not even allowed to choose their clothes or their hairstyles, let alone make decisions about their future. How then will they ever learn to make decisions?

With freedom comes responsibility. It is important to teach our children from an early age that decisions have consequences and they must learn to take responsibility for the decisions they have made.

Conclusion: You Don’t Always Get What You Want

The risk we run when we are overprotective is that we may raise a spoilt child that is so used to getting what they want and being comfortable all the time, that at the first sign of discomfort or inconvenience they throw a tantrum. Children need to learn at a young age that in life, you don’t always get what you want. Sometimes you need to wait. Sometimes you don’t win. Sometimes you don’t reap what you sow. Sometimes life is not fair.

Children need to learn at a young age that in life, you don’t always get what you want.

Resilience and strength come as children learn to cope emotionally and psychologically with disappointments and as parents, we deprive them of this valuable learning experience when we swoop down to rescue them every time something goes wrong.

Now, of course, as parents, we should provide encouragement, comfort, empathy and all the other forms of emotional support when our child goes through a disappointing or painful moment. But that is not the same as removing the problem itself. We should comfort even as we allow the child to experience pain and disappointment.