In a VUCA world (volatile, uncertain, complex, ambiguous), it is important that our children develop a strong moral compass that ensures they do not lose their direction or forget their core values. While we want our children to have the skills to adapt to their academic, work, and social environments; we don’t want them to forget what is right and wrong.
Moral courage involves both the ability to tell wrong from right, good from evil, as well as the strength and will to stand up for what is right and good. The long-term goal for parents is for the child and teen to develop their own internal moral compasses so that they can decide for themselves to be a good and righteous person – even when parents or other authority figures are not around.
Here are some practical tips on how we can help our children develop this ability.
Explain WHY when discussing moral issues
Too often, we just tell our children what we think is right and wrong, without explaining to them the moral reason behind our instruction. For example, we tell our children that it is “wrong to lie and good to tell the truth”, “wrong to be rude to others and good to be respectful”, “wrong to copy someone else’s homework and good to write your own original work”, but we don’t explain WHY.
Helping even a young child understand the reasoning behind our moral values, helps give them a deeper level of ownership over those values. The goal is to move them from a place where they think “I am not rude because my parents will punish me if I am rude” to a place where the child says “I should not be rude to others because it will make other people feel bad and sad and I should treat them the same way I want to be treated”.
Similarly, when children learn that we are honest to one another because this builds trust between family members and friends, and we don’t copy other kids’ homework because that defeats the whole point of doing homework which is to learn and educate ourselves, it means they are a lot more likely to maintain good moral practices over the long term, even when parents or other authority figures are not around.
Children who blindly follow a set of moral codes of behaviors without understanding may comply when they are young, but are likely to abandon those values the moment they have the freedom and independence of adulthood.
Conversely, children who are blindly following a set of moral codes of behaviors without understanding may comply when they are young and under the supervision of their parents, but are likely to abandon all of those values the moment they have the freedom and independence of adulthood.
Encourage them to Challenge Injustice
Most children have a strong sense of justice, what is fair or unfair. This is heightened and intensified in their teenage years.
Many parents find this challenging. Children start to challenge and argue with parents when they see inconsistency, hypocrisy, and unfairness. Us parents are human after all, and sometimes we make mistakes, we lose our temper, we say things we shouldn’t, we forget promises we’ve made, we all show some frailty and fallibility.
Our first instinct in these situations is to stand our ground, afraid that if we negotiate it may undermine our authority. So we sometimes take the “just do what I say and don’t ask so many questions” route. This may be a more convenient, short-term strategy as it shuts the debate down. But debate is good and healthy.
We want our children to stand up for what they think is right and fair. So giving them the opportunity and encouragement to raise issues they strongly believe in at home is the training ground for them to vocalize these issues at school and later in the real world.
Our role is to train them on how to communicate moral issues in a respectful and logical way, rather than to shut down any discussion.
Children who are highly agreeable, and who conform to what we say all the time tend to be the same teenagers who give in to peer pressure.
Sometimes as parents we prefer children who just comply without questioning, as they tend to be easier to manage. But we should be careful what we wish for. Children who are highly agreeable, and who conform to what we say all the time tend to be the same teenagers who give in to peer pressure; and the same working adults who go with the flow when their colleagues ask them to break ethical and legal boundaries; because they have not learnt how to say “no” to others and how to stand up for what they believe is right in the face of pressure.
Encourage them to Take Responsibility When Wrong
Perhaps the hardest moral situation we face is when we’ve made a mistake and have to decide whether to take responsibility for it and apologize. It’s easy to exhibit moral outrage when someone else has done something wrong. It is a real test of moral courage when we’re the ones who need to confess.
It is a common thing as people; we try and hide our faults and mistakes. This is one of the reasons why people lie. The key to getting our children to develop the habit of being honest involves convincing them that owning up is the best thing to do. Children often lie about mistakes they have made because they are afraid of how their parents may react. Therefore, it is important that as parents we do not overreact, or mete out punishments out of anger that do not fit the crime.
It is important that as parents we do not overreact, or mete out punishments out of anger that do not fit the crime.
Mrs. Tan was very angry because her favorite decorative vase had been broken. Her suspicion was that the family dog had knocked it over and so it came as a surprise when her 8-year old daughter confessed to having broken the vase when she was running around that afternoon. Though she was angry, she knew that this was an opportunity to encourage the honesty her daughter had shown. So she calmed herself down, told her daughter that she felt very sad because the vase meant a lot to her, and that her daughter should be more careful when playing in the house. But she mentioned that she was very happy that her daughter had been honest with her and she should always remember that her mother loved her even though she may be angry with her sometimes.
Parents too need to demonstrate the ability to take responsibility when they are at fault. Encik Zul came home stressed after a bad day at the office. His 5-year old son accidentally spills some water in the living room and Encik Zul loses his temper and shouts at the boy. Half an hour later, when he has calmed down, he realizes that he had taken out his work stress on his child. He goes to the boy’s room and quickly apologizes to his son. He admits it was a bad thing to do and promises his son that he will control his temper the next time. When the family culture involves the spirit of confession and forgiveness, children will learn the importance of taking responsibility when they’re wrong which is a key component of moral courage.
Conclusion
To develop moral courage in our children involves us creating an environment in our homes that enable a strong moral culture to develop. Always think long term when it comes to moral issues. The focus is not just on getting our kids to behave well in the short term, but to get them to make independent moral decisions in the long term.
