“Mama Tribe” is a buzz phrase that I’ve been reading a lot about these past few years. “Find your village” is another one that seems to be quite popular in many articles and memes.  These phrases take the manner how people in more traditional societies have always lived (tribes, in villages) and Westernize it… applying it (to a certain extent) to modern living. So, what is a tribe?

The Urban Dictionary refers to a tribe as:

“The people that will be there for you no matter what and who you’re guaranteed to have a good time with. Although people may not understand how close they are and their relationships with each other, it doesn’t matter because they all understand it and love each other. Once a tribe is established they stay together forever.”

It follows that Mama Tribe means the same, just with the word, “Mama” tacked on the front. Whoa. That’s a tall order. Most of the people I know who fall into that category are those who I’ve known for years and who I have an actual relationship with, sans babies. The thing is, you would not have to “find your tribe/village” if you were actually from a more traditional society… as you’d be living in the village and the tribe would be right there, right? Note: Times are changing and often times, even those from such societies no longer live the same way anymore. Our current lives; living arrangements, work, kids education/activities, doctors appointments, sick days, household chores, family time/holidays etc. etc., don’t exactly make it easy for mamas to find their tribe.

There’s a funny quote that goes…

“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”

~Me, trying to make mom friends~

This quote pretty much summarizes how I feel about this whole Mama Tribe thing. Awkward. I mean, having childbirth in common, does not a good friend make. This lack of a Mama Tribe then becomes one more thing to be concerned about. A whole tribe? Lol. I must be doing something wrong.

We make most of our closest friends in our school/college days and if you’ve been friends before that and still are, you’re probably going to be friends for life. Making friends as an adult, without being in school/college/university or having a job (if you’re at home for any period of time taking care of the little people in your life) is a much more tricky business.

Most of my closest friends, unfortunately, don’t live right next door. Many of them are far away and many live in whole other countries. We love each other and we make an effort to meet up when we can. Otherwise, we keep in touch via the wonder of modern technology. These are the women who I can discuss anything and everything with. Do I wish I could see them more often? Definitely. However, even if they were close by, we would still have our own lives to lead, and as much as we would like to hang out, that would still take a backseat to other (much loved) priorities.

So… where does that leave the Mama whose tribe/village is not closeby?

1) Acceptance and making the best of our personal circumstances is important. Our lives are in phases. Early years with babies/toddlers are time and energy consuming. In those early days, a day might be broken up into 2-3 hour segments, so, when someone suggests joining a class/exercise group in order to meet other like-minded people, that might not be feasible at that point in time. That’s okay. We’ll be able to do it in the future.

Side note: Just going out for a walk in our own neighbourhood (on our own) can do so much for our sense of well-being.

2) Elaborating on the theme of acceptance, it is important to keep things in perspective and not compare our life with the lives of others, who are or might be in a different phase of life than us. Comparing in this way only leads to dissatisfaction and discontent. Gratitude for the blessings we do have also gives us the wherewithal to deal with the challenges we face.

3) If our closest friends live far away from us, we could still keep in touch, virtually at least. That’s one of the plus points of social media as well. There are also various groups catering to various interests that we could join (virtually at first and maybe later, join their activities).

4) Engage in creative pursuits: writing, drawing, colouring, painting, dancing, etc. etc. All of these activities can be done from the comfort of your own home… on your own.

5) If you are having mental health issues such as anxiety, panic attacks or depression, GET HELP. There are plenty of online resources available. Having a Mama Tribe might serve as a buffer for these issues… but, it is entirely possible to be someone who is otherwise high-functioning, surrounded by people and still go through anxiety and depression. There is no shame in an admission of needing help.

6) Your ‘kids friends parents’ could be a possible friend. Similarly, people you meet through your kids education/activities, BUT, this is a hit or miss, just like dating. Warmth is more important than a checklist of compatibility. You could subscribe to similar ideas regarding parenting, education, etc. etc. and still not hit it off as friends. On the flip side, superficial connections, where you are judged for everything that you might do differently (when it comes to child-rearing), do more harm than good.

On the funny side of things, I don’t see people going around telling men to find their Papa Tribe and the qualities to look for in a good Papa friend… For example: He won’t mind if your house is a mess and your kids are having a meltdown… You can count on him to come over in his rattiest yoga pants for a cup of coffee.

See how ridiculous that sounds?

*I know, I know. That’s mainly because traditionally, women are the ones who are at home, taking care of their kids while the kids are young… regardless if they return to work later on or not. But hope this might help someone else who is on the quest for The Elusive Mama Tribe.

About the Author:

Reshma Stanislaus is a medical doctor and is an alumni of AIMST University. She also holds degrees in Psychology and English from the University of Manitoba. Her interests are preventive and functional medicine, nutrition i.e.; the role of diet in disease prevention/cure, psychology and parenting related topics. In her free time, she enjoys writing poetry and outdoor activities with her family. She can be contacted at mogoat@yahoo.com